Expert Recommendation: Helping Children and Adolescents Through the Holidays

Expert Recommendation: Helping Children and Adolescents Through the Holidays

By Maria Khan, PhD & Michelle Roley-Roberts, PhD
Licensed Psychologists

For many families, Holidays bring a lot of fun traditions and are a bustling time of year. No matter what Holidays a family celebrates, engaging in holiday activities brings changes to typical routines and can add stress to parents’ and kids’ plates. To help families better prepare for Holidays, here are some tips.

It is recommended to pay particular attention if a child or teen has a history of traumatic event exposure, a developmental disability like autism spectrum disorder, more difficulty with emotion regulation, impulsivity, or experienced loneliness, seasonal affective disorder, or loss of important people in their lives as they may have a harder time adjusting to Holidays and back to routines from Holidays.

Considering Traumatic Event History

Children’s responses to traumatic events are very diverse and require individualized attention to each child’s specific needs. However, we know that exposure to traumatic events such as abuse, neglect, parental substance use, life-threatening accidents or medical illness, causes disruptions to children’s lives and sense of safety.

Safety is built through consistent routines, having your needs met, and engaging in anticipated rituals (like family traditions and Holiday Celebrations!)

But wait, how do we stay consistent in routines and incorporate changes in routines, too?!

• • Anticipate how your child will respond to changes in routines
  • Make a plan for how to help your child adjust to the change
  • Follow your plan and be flexible to help best support your child’s needs throughout the holiday season. This can look like: if you know your child gets overstimulated when the environment is chaotic and loud, you build in time and space in a holiday ritual for your child to be in a quiet space to decompress or wear headphones while in the chaotic environment.
  • Safety is also built by helping your child have opportunities to have control through information and choice This can also look like: I have to be the parent and there are many things that my child cannot be in control of because if it were up to my child, we wouldn’t participate in Holidays.
  • Offer forced choices (e.g., do you want to put your right shoe or your left shoe on first? We’re going to Uncle Niknak’s house. Do you want to sit behind Dad or Mom on the ride over?)
  • Anticipate whether your child does better knowing ahead of time what the plan is. If so, provide sufficient notice of the plan. Many kids do well when they know what is going to happen before it happens. Though, some kids may dwell on the change in routine and knowing ahead of time creates a lot of unhelpful anxiety. So, anticipate what will work best for your child. This is how you approach holidays flexibly.
  • Anticipate whether your child experiences trauma and/or loss reminders for certain holiday activities. For example, if your child experienced the traumatic event right before Halloween, they may feel more stressed and scared when seeing Halloween decorations. The Halloween decoration may be a trauma reminder.

Considering Grief/Loss

If their loved one passed away, is incarcerated, hospitalized, or if your child was removed from their biological parents’ care, holidays, themselves, may serve as loss reminders. They may be thinking about what they used to do with their loved one(s), how the new rituals are different from the old ones, and feel sad because they miss the loved one(s) that are no longer present. They may attempt to avoid the loss reminders by not participating in new holiday rituals. They could have temper tantrums or shut down, be angry, and/or avoid all things related to holidays.

• • Anticipate what the loss reminders are.
  • If you’ve noticed a shift in your child’s emotions or behaviors, consider whether there is a loss or trauma reminder that came up for them.
  • Although difficult, rather than avoiding the topic of grief/loss, create a safe space for your child to talk about their loved one.
  • Consider ways to celebrate or honor the loved one or those traditions your child engaged in with their lost loved one.

Considering Autism Differences

For children and teens with autism spectrum disorder, Holidays that bring disruptions in routines may be hard to adjust to. Your child may have sensory sensitivities or other differences that make the environment or holiday celebration(s) challenging.

• • Anticipate what your child needs ahead of time. If having alerts ahead of time about changes in routines are helpful, provide the alerts. If having fidgets or access to a beloved special object will help your child adjust to the change in routines, then plan for your child to have those things.
  • Introduce Holiday plans with a social story being sure to review expectations, and paint a realistic picture of what the holiday celebration will be like. Be sure to include your child’s triggers and what to do if triggered in your social story.
  • Plan ahead for safety concerns that you anticipate. For example, if your child tends to wander away, especially when the environment is chaotic, make a plan for how you will keep an eye on them, how you can reduce the chaos in the environment, and how you can help your child re-regulate when you start to notice early signs of dysregulation.
  • Review safety rules with your child ahead of time and have them repeat the rules back to you. Make the rules simple. (e.g., “stay next to me”; “ask first”)

Parental Expectations

Sometimes as grownups, we have certain expectations for what Holidays are supposed to be like. For example, with Halloween, we go to the pumpkin patch, carve pumpkins, go on a hayride, decorate the house inside and out with Halloween/fall decorations, pick out costumes for trick or treating, listen to spooky music, watch all the Halloween movies, participate in the school’s Halloween party, go to Trunk-or-Treat, and do Trick-or-Treating in two different neighborhoods. If this sounds familiar to you, your family is not alone and this may be too much!

• • Here’s a chance to let your child make a choice. You could have your child rank order the activities from most distressing/least enjoyable to least distressing/most enjoyable. Then you can decide as a family what activities to cut.
  • You may have to adjust your expectation for what the Holiday means if cutting out experiences or changing the experience from what you expected it to be.
  • Consider swapping out an activity chocked full of sensory overwhelm with an activity that has considered autistic differences in the development of the activity. For example, some zoos offer sensory friendly times so your autistic child and your entire family can enjoy ‘Boo at the Zoo’ without all the added sensory overwhelm factors.
  • Give yourself and your child grace – you and your child are doing the best that you can. Remind yourself that the experiences you do engage in will still honor the Holiday traditions of being together, connecting and creating memories with your child, and celebrating.

Helpful Resources and References

National Traumatic Stress Network. (2022). Supporting Children and Teens who have experienced loss during this holiday season. https://www.nctsn.org/resources/supporting-children-and-teens-during-this-holiday-season

Autism Speaks. Holidays. https://www.autismspeaks.org/holidays

Autism Speaks. Holiday Safety Plans. https://www.autismspeaks.org/blog/holiday-safety-plan

Autism Speaks. Autism Friendly Holiday Tips. https://www.autismspeaks.org/blog/autism-friendly-holidays-tips-make-sure-all-calm-when-all-bright